Suicide (Behind Every Frowning Cloud There’s Always A Smiling Sun)June 9, 2011
One of my friends just committed suicide. I haven’t actually seen him since we were kids. We knew each other from 4th – 8th grade. I wanted to see him so bad the last 4 years just to simply catch up on life and talk about the old days. We did everything as kids. At one point we were best friends. We were even blood brothers! Did you ever do that as a kid with a close friend? Where you cut yourself and hold your wounds together?
We skateboarded a lot, smoked, spent the night at each others houses all the time, stole things together, did shenanigans together, saw each other get picked on, stuck up for each other, fought, wrestled, argued, talked about death, sex, religion, and everything else. We even cried in front of each other.
But now he killed himself and I can’t catch up with him on life and talk about our past. I can’t see if our chemistry is still there and enjoy laughing with him one last time. I’m sure if we hung out for an hour we would still laugh. In some ways you’re a new person from when you were a kid, and in some ways you’re still the same. The fact that I can’t see him again now really makes me sad and angry.
His life was always on the edge, even when we were kids. Sometimes it seemed like he wanted to be more adventurous and wild than everyone else. Sometimes it was too much for me and I couldn’t go as far as he could. I wanted to avoid the alcohol, the drugs, and the cops, but for some reason it seemed like it was in his veins to go that way. He hated himself for it, however. He wanted to be “normal”, but how do you become “normal” when you’ve had that baggage your whole life and are always surrounded by the consequences of your bad decisions?
We couldn’t relate to each other as far as our rebellious side went. But then again, there probably were only a few who could. I always was the friend who tried to be a good influence on him. His parents loved me for that. I remember as kids I preached the gospel to him. I told him that God isn’t boring like he thinks and is a God who understands him. Later he sincerely told me he thinks about the things I tell him. I wish in his later days, I could have gotten back into his life and maybe try to have a similar influence on him.
I wish we could have just shared our hearts together like we so easily did in the past. I wouldn’t have judged him. He may think I would have, but I wouldn’t have for one second. I would have listened to everything he told me, but then challenged him on it. I would given him a high five, a hug, and told him if he needs anything then don’t fucking hesitate! My life hasn’t been anywhere near perfect. I’ve got my own issues. We can all relate on more levels than we think.
I’ve been crying the last few days man. Even though all I have is my memories of when we were kids, the pictures, the conversations, and the feelings are still vivid in my mind and heart. I could write a book about our experiences. There were so many. Remember that time when me, you, and Jordan pranked our 4th grade teacher? Jordan and I had to visit her with our parents, but you never showed up! Or when we’d skate to the mall, look at Thrasher magazines, and listen to Pantera in your room? I remember in one article in a Thrasher magazine there was a funny piece about Green Day trying to sound like a British punk band trying to sound American. Or the time when we were standing next to each other singing in a choir performance at school and you passed out, hit your mouth on the floor, and had to go get stitches! I would have caught you but it happened so fast. Lol. Or the time you accidentally swallowed a pin and me, Brett, and Jordan visited you in the hospital?
I knew your pain when we were kids. Back then I was probably the only one you could open up to and be honest with. Who knew you’d someday end it like this though? I wish you hadn’t. I love you man and I miss you. I know God will be glorified out of this. Even in your worst despair, God’s grace is closer than your skin. I hope you see that now.
If you’re thinking about committing suicide, don’t. Stop listening to The Cure and Tori Amos. That music is supposed to identify with your pain and give you hope that others feel the same, not make you want to pull the trigger. Talk to someone about it. Tell them you feel hopeless, that you hate who you are, that you hate your life, and that you can’t take it anymore. If there’s no one to tell then tell me. If I can help save one more person, then at least you’ll be alive. My friend Dustan is dead and now there’s no going back. Wait until tomorrow. Wait until the sun shines again. We’ll make it get better together.